Saturday Night

A born socialite some people would say I am, but sometimes I see myself as a 'social loner'.  What a contradiction to believe that people really are necessary for your existence, but at the same time really enjoy being by yourself.

I grow extremely introspective after nights out in this weird little college city.  Just really  makes me miss home more than anything.  To get along with people and to feel like you truly belong somewhere are 2 vastly different things.  Looking on the world up to 10 years ahead of a lot of the people in the same room as you also puts a crap load of perspective on things.  You realise you have no answer to questions like "Why aren't you dancing?", or "I'm surprised a Christian guy like you would be seen at a shindig like this".  If only these kids knew I've danced against that wall already, and gotten tipsy and danced till i felt stupid, and danced with all the girls in the room.  

I guess for some that routine never gets tired.  And for some it's their first time, they're new to this.  For me i've been there and done it longer than I think i needed.  Now i only need it occasionally.  Plus when it's done here it's not like home and not ever really close to as good as at home.  I always had trouble putting my heart into things I didn't believe in.  If i can't feel it genuinely then i can't really put any genuine emotion into it.

Maybe this blog contradicts that I'm a loner as I choose to publicly ramble early in the morning about myself.  At the core of this I just miss what is familiar to me, and when that is missing from your daily routine for a while, you find that you are never really sure about what is real anymore.  I know home is real and those people in that life are real.  In this life here I'm not really sure what's real.  

All just kinda weird to me.  Is it just me feeling this way?  Then everything starts to annoy me...especially the carelessly drunk people.  The people making out on the dancefloor annoy me.  The people who always think i'm nice 100% of the time...you annoy me too.  

I again yearn for hot weather, familiar accents and food, and people I know I can trust and depend on all the time.  I already know there is no life on this land for me, because my love for another is way too strong for me to exist here.  And yet still people don't know where I'm from, but the truth is I don't really care anymore if they know.  What's more important is that I'm fully aware of who I am and that's all that matters.

This is my blog so I don't even care to apologize for my unfocused writing, but I may regret opening such a large window into my personality, or maybe I won't.  Yo just have a good night.  Like clockwork I should be fine by morning.