Thursday, December 18, 2008

WHY HE GIVES AND TAKES

With 2 more final exams and 2 more days to go before I go home, I have been more than anxious to get out of this place.  A wealth of knowledge to gain in this one night to even fathom passing these 2 exams, that have kept me from the one main thing on my mind...home.

I also had a couple other things on my mine, like why we as humans always feel inclined to know the answers?  I am strangely not one of those kind of persons.  I am extremely intrigued by life and all its dynamics, but I am very comfortable with God making the decisions as to WHY HE GIVES AND TAKES.  Not to say I am not curious, but I really try not to let it consume me, but heah, I've always been an easy going cat, so I don't let many things consume me.

I preface this blog with my exams, because I should be studying right now, but whenever these weird acts of God occur, I have to blog.  

So while walking down the street and actually pondering why God gives and takes, I was stopped by a white couple, an older man maybe in his late 50s and a slightly younger woman.  They said "Excuse me", and I turned wondering if it was me they were talking to.  Well it was me, so I approached them.  He launched immediately into his story about coming to the hospital in Boston from their home in Rhode Island.  They travelled to Boston on disability for his wife to have kidney surgery, and for some reason his wife couldn't be admitted because she was having an infection and needed to take a course of antibiotics.  Fact of the matter was they were broke and couldn't stay at the hospital because she wasn't an inpatient, and they didn't fulfill the poverty requirements to stay in a shelter.  They really just didn't have enough fare to go back to Rhode Island on the commuter rail, and were for some reason unable to travel back there on disability.  Me being the Jamaican I am, I normally can sniff out bullshit scammers a mile out.  

For some reason this seemed legit.  They had their bags and pillows and she looked quite sick and actually was very passive in this process.  They looked clean and just like regular folk who had a long day.  As to why they didn't prepare for this unfortunate event before traveling all the way to Boston, i didn't really feel was my place to ask.  

My initial instinct was to do what i normally do to people who beg me...I tell them I have no money, which is often true, but most times is a white lie (aka I have a little, but I really am not gonna give it to you right now, then I'll be like you tomorrow).  But there was something all just weird about the karma of me thinking about WHY GOD GIVES AND TAKES, and then these people interrupted this very thought by sharing their story.  Ironically I'm a black man with an non-American accent, and they ask me for help, so let's throw race and stereotypes out the door.  This man said he stopped me because i just had a nice aura (keep in mind i am always smiling, but this moment I was very serious and walking at moderate pace just deep in thought;  he coulda been charming me, who knows).  I also have medical knowledge which they knew nothing of, and the medical story was actually legit (tho most scammers usually have very legit stories).

He showed me the fare they needed and he told me they needed about 6 or 9 dollars.  I looked in my wallet to see what woulda been there.  I saw a $1 and a $5, and without thinking too long I decided to give him the $5.  They were both extremely grateful and he introduced himself and then asked me my name.  This occurrance was extremely well aligned with everything going on in my mind and I couldn't say not o these people.  Deep down I hope they are not a couple on drugs and my $5 goes to some cocaine, but for some reason I believed them, and I still do.  I felt sorry for them.  She looked sick and tired, and they had nowhere to stay, and the system had no where to put them.  Unbelievable that in such a developed country there could actually be no place to house them.  

I seek no extra praise for my actions.  It just felt like it was the right thing to do, and I always tell people Karma is a Bitch, and it will come back to you.  Today I got a cheese-covered potato from one of the ladies in the cafeteria.  They were actually all finished, but the one on display looked so scrumptious, i just said kinda matter a fact that "That potato looks nice".  After i go sit to eat I see one of the staff members approaching me, and I think she is going to sit with me and eat.  She brings a cheese covered potato and gives to me.  The lady had one prepared for me.  An trus mi dis is a self-serve cafeteria.  These kinda nice deeds hardly happen to me...and when they do they feel so special.  So maybe I was paying forward my cheese potato just now by giving that $5.

I end in prayerful gratitute, again thanking the Lord for all he has given me.  It has been an interesting journey thus far, and everyday I grow more and more and learn more and more.  My condolences to some of the families I know that have lost loved ones recently.  God gives and takes for reasons beyond our human understanding.  We must grief and they find ways to continue in our mortal world, until that realm shall become clear to us.  Until next time...lawd pay it forward to me dat mi flight nuh cancel because of snow.  By di hook ar di crook mi a get to Jamdown Satiday.  Nobady nah stap mi, all if a walk mi a walk gu dung deh!!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

December 15, 2008 
THE TRUTH IS THAT...

I had come to a point in my life where i personally became fed up with the human need to be SAFE.  Many of us dwell on safety, and therefore remain safe for the rest of our lives.  This then led me to wonder why some people tend to safety while others don't.  These blanket thoughts then came to mind, though I knew wouldn't encompass everyone's life story.

The 2 things in life that go against safety are DESPERATION and OPPORTUNITY, and strangely they both have something in common.  

A desperate man has NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN.  He has nothing, so he will lose nothing, and anything positive is an opportunity to be in a better place than he currently is.  These people will hop on any opportunity that is presented to them, with no fear of failure nor with insecurities of what others may think.

The man with opportunity appears to have everything, but has NOTHING TO LOSE because he has a safety blanket and EVERYTHING TO GAIN, because he has so many opportunities to do things that so many dream of doing.  The opportunity to learn more than the average person would.  Travel more.  Meet more people.  Simply explore life comfortably.

How can persons of 2 vastly different worlds have something so powerful in common.  These persons are the ones that I believe step outside of the box, and make use of what is available to them to create more opportunities.  It really is a simple concept, which I am sure has many flaws and counter-arguments, but I think maybe a desperate man with opportunity is one that i should strive to be.  Desperate to grow.  Passionate to learn.  Desperate to step out into the unknown.

For once in your life, be desperate, and create opportunity for yourself.  Take a step into an unpredictable world that you know nothing of, but you dream so much of...you never know what hopefully pleasant opportunity may arise!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

EVA GRATEFUL!!

Without disrespecting anyone who gets pleasure from working in a cafeteria or washing cars, or being a bank teller.  I am just so glad I don't do something everyday that appears to be mundane.  Again i'm sure someone gets a buzz out of counting cash really fast or dishing food into a plate, but I can't say I do.  And if for any reason something happens to me, I hope someone had read my blogs to see that I was forever and repeatedly grateful for everything God has given me.

So I already have a degree then get to go get another one, and I excelled in the 1st and am now excelling in the 2nd.  There is only one thing you can do when that happens, and it's give thanks.  Thanks to whoever you want to...Jesus, Jah, The creator.  Whoever he, she or it is...Jus give tanks!!

Something must be going on with me this month, because I've written 4 blogs in one month after not writing any for over 3 months, or maybe even longer.  I must be getting older or just more grateful.  

So whenever you are happy in your job and you have 1 bad day, just remember someone is doing a mundane job everyday and wishes they could jump off a really high building, because it may be more fun than making sandwiches.  Not everyone gets the opportunity to follow a passions, if you get it, chase it like it's running faster than Usain Bolt, and if you want something, it doesn't hurt to make a try at it.  One less regret in life!  Do what you gotta do and be grateful.  Bless!!
iPhone Crazy

So this blog was of course inspired by the iPhone.  Anyone who knows me knows I like cool stuff, and i really do like cutting edge technology.  The problem is where do you draw the line.  It's like  that one thing you want really bad but know you shouldn't get it BUT you know if you get it you'll be so much happier.  Maybe for ladies a pair of shoes...I'm sure when you buy it you say "What the hell did I just do", but when you're wearing it, and someone says "Nice shoes", you feel like it was worth it.

Well here is my iPhone dilemma.  It kinda is almost within my means, but just ALMOST.  The problem is that I just can't stop fantasizing about it.  I want to get it out of my head, but then that glimmering Boylston Street store sucks me in and i go in and play with it.  Advertising is a bitch, because it's really screwing with my mind.  The worse part is that everyone who buys one is like a walking add, and then they make me want it more.  Maybe I should only talk to people who don't own iPhones.  That may be a start.  Then we can find a way to get rid of the Apple store (I was gonna say the B word but I may have American persons who read this and report me to the CIA.  In my home country we can say the B word without men the size of quarterbacks running out of nowhere to sack you to the floor).  The B thing is just a joke i swear.  The point is I need i-Therapy, and unfortunately this will only come in the form of buying an iPhone, or removing it from my mind's eye.

I mean this clearly is now an obsession since it has reached blog phase.  I only blog when something is on my mind.  Damn i just saw someone else playing with one. Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggh.  Am i being drawn into this materialistic world...nah.  I woulda wanted an iPhone wherever the hell I was.  So i guess it's time to look into doing some extra hours at work to find a way to pay that extra money on ma phone bill.  We'll see.  I'll keep you posted on the iPhone situation.  This is way too funny.  I shoulda created that "Contribute $2 to Mario's iPhone Group" before my birthday.  Now I may have to wait till Xmas.  But dats just so damn ghetto, but clearly i'm desperate right.  Peace.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Saturday Night

A born socialite some people would say I am, but sometimes I see myself as a 'social loner'.  What a contradiction to believe that people really are necessary for your existence, but at the same time really enjoy being by yourself.

I grow extremely introspective after nights out in this weird little college city.  Just really  makes me miss home more than anything.  To get along with people and to feel like you truly belong somewhere are 2 vastly different things.  Looking on the world up to 10 years ahead of a lot of the people in the same room as you also puts a crap load of perspective on things.  You realise you have no answer to questions like "Why aren't you dancing?", or "I'm surprised a Christian guy like you would be seen at a shindig like this".  If only these kids knew I've danced against that wall already, and gotten tipsy and danced till i felt stupid, and danced with all the girls in the room.  

I guess for some that routine never gets tired.  And for some it's their first time, they're new to this.  For me i've been there and done it longer than I think i needed.  Now i only need it occasionally.  Plus when it's done here it's not like home and not ever really close to as good as at home.  I always had trouble putting my heart into things I didn't believe in.  If i can't feel it genuinely then i can't really put any genuine emotion into it.

Maybe this blog contradicts that I'm a loner as I choose to publicly ramble early in the morning about myself.  At the core of this I just miss what is familiar to me, and when that is missing from your daily routine for a while, you find that you are never really sure about what is real anymore.  I know home is real and those people in that life are real.  In this life here I'm not really sure what's real.  

All just kinda weird to me.  Is it just me feeling this way?  Then everything starts to annoy me...especially the carelessly drunk people.  The people making out on the dancefloor annoy me.  The people who always think i'm nice 100% of the time...you annoy me too.  

I again yearn for hot weather, familiar accents and food, and people I know I can trust and depend on all the time.  I already know there is no life on this land for me, because my love for another is way too strong for me to exist here.  And yet still people don't know where I'm from, but the truth is I don't really care anymore if they know.  What's more important is that I'm fully aware of who I am and that's all that matters.

This is my blog so I don't even care to apologize for my unfocused writing, but I may regret opening such a large window into my personality, or maybe I won't.  Yo just have a good night.  Like clockwork I should be fine by morning.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

NOT FROM HERE

How do you explain "Out of Many One People"
The unusual tug-of-war between pleasance and aggression
Uptown versus downtown
Browning versus Blacknin'
Patios versus Standard English

How can I explain why...
I miss this damn place so much
Yet it seems so imperfect
Has anyone been so in love with an imperfection
Maybe obsessed, but not in love

This imperfection is one of my favourites
Perfecting it may make it better
But sometimes I like it just for what it is
Somewhat raw and at times unsophisticated,
Yet warm and genuine
That is exactly what gives it's character

It always reminds me that I have never wanted to be from here
Well I lie. I did when I was in my imperfect world as a child and thought
Wow, this place of Mattel toys and fast food must be the best place ever,
But now that I am living here in 4-monthly spurts
All i can say is that it's full of as much shit as anywhere else
And my jerk chicken, ackee and saltfish, dance a road every weeknight and terrible customers service really has more to desire than I had thought

I now relish my culture.
I obsess over it
I'm proud of it
Almost willing to die for it
Mi love it cyaan dun
Why would anyone want anything else
I'm really happy I'm not from here!
TOO...
2:23am

Too young to look old
But too old to care
About that drunk girl who just passed me on the street
Blouse strap dangling mid-arm
Too weak to pull it up
Too disoriented to care about being a target

Smart enough to notice
But too ambivalent to care
About that asshole that just called me an asshole
If only he knew anything about me
Or where I'm from
Or about how rude he just was

"Such a nice person"
But yet so insensitive and selfish
To realize that I just hurt the feelings
Of someone who cares about me 
More than I could ever imagine

Still present
But yet so distant
That I don't even care about
Where I am, who I'm with, 
Or how I'm going to get to where I'm going next

To be detached sometimes can feel so sweet
But so lonely
It's only cool to be alone when you've forgotten what it is like
Then you yearn for companionship once you're lonely again

Too distracted right now to shout
At that loud girl in the alley
If only she realized it was almost 3am
But maybe her blouse strap is mid-arm
And maybe she is too selfish to realize she's hurting my feelings

Too artistic to alter this expression
To fit the needs of others
Too young to look old
But too old to care  about what people think
About me or my behaviour

Always aware of great friends
And great things when they come by
And family, the rock of support
Well in my life
Love, laughter, life, defeat, rejection

Always a Jamaican
Black, Green and Gold
To di werl we go
Without boundaries
But with an appreciation of life
Tarnished with hardships
Tailored made for each and every one of us

Too hungry to care about my diet
Too happy to have a bed to sleep on 
And food to eat
And so happy I got to write this

Now i'm too young to look old
But too old to care about NOT being out on a Saturday night
Now it's time for bed
After running that crazy maze through my head

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

JUST BECAUSE
October 1

I figured it has been since around forever, and the purpose of this thing is self-expression right?  Or at the least keeping people informed about life over here.  I think Facebook took over the world and people stopped talking on the phone and going out, and writing blogs.

Well here I am once again.  I missed you guys and gals, whoever the hell you are that reads this crap.  I'm home on a Thursday morning with a sore throat.  I should be doing work or sleeping, but I'm doing neither.  It is funny how your concept of productivity can be shattered so easily by idle distractions...God bless 'the focused' cuz they are few and far between. 

As I randomly babble, I just want you to know that I'm alive and well, and look out for some more serious blogging again soon.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I figure I may at least leave a legacy in blogs.  Someone may find em and use them one day if I ever become important...and hopefully not against me.  It's all good though, there is nothing here I wouldn't tell you to your face, or tell Oprah for that matter!  LOL.

It's late and I'm tired.  Have a great night.  Pray i get better soon, and God is an awesome God.  The things he does is unspeakable, and that is all I have to say to that.  Thank you Lord for everything!  Nite!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

RACISM MAYBE?

It’s 2008 and you would think many things would have changed by now. Being raised in Jamaica exposed me to many things that I know many other people in the world for sure don’t experience on a day to day basis, but racism was never one of ‘em, especially in a country that is ~90% black, and for sure is more ‘class-ist’ than anything else.

This is where I segue into my ‘experience’ as I will refer to it form here on in. So I’m in a grocery/deli store in Seattle on 03.10.08 with two friends. So there is a lady at the bookstand reading, holding the leash of her jet-black Labrador in her hand. One of my friends starts to pet the dog and engages her in conversation. My other friend also starts to play with the dog. Strangely enough I wasn’t interested in playing with the dog, even though I love dogs. I smile at the lady, and that’s about all the interaction we really have. Keep in mind, my friends and the lady was not of my skin tone, to be politically correct.

This is where it gets good…So the said Labrador has a collar with a blinker on it. My friend then says “I see you had to put a blinker on him”. The owner of the dog then responds “Yeah cuz at night sometimes people may not see him especially going around corners”. So far you notice I am telling the story very storybook, because in a lickle I might waan bruk weh and get on baaaaaaad! But as the story continues, I then chip in and say “Cuz he’s black” (hence the need for the blinker). She then responds, “You would know what that’s like”, with a smile on her face. Me not being used to blatant racism or inappropriate racial statements, had a little chuckle and then immediately turned around and looked on my friend with a weird look. My initial instincts were to walk away, and walk away quickly, which is just what I did. I walked quickly out of the awkward silence, and ignored my other natural cultural instincts to chop her a rahtid box. And the only reason I’m comfortable speaking like this now is because of how upsetting this experience was to me, and because I’m GROWN now, so if you can’t handle the fire, step out of the kitchen.

Realistically speaking though, do people still say inappropriate things like that? I was appalled. “You should know what that’s like”. I should know what dat is like!! I wish I was an angry black person just for a split second, so that my reaction time could have been so fast that I could have said something equally inappropriate and made her feel awkward, BUT you know what, my wonderful parents taught me better. So I walked away like in those say no to drugs campaigns. I mean could you see the flip side of this story. The newspaper would read:

“Angry black Jamaican man assaults woman in grocery store, who simply made an analogy between her dog and his complexion. The man is a college student and will immediately go to court. He is currently in jail on no bail, and is likely to be up for deportation.”

When you look at the situation like that you realize it really isn’t worth stooping down to a low level. Another outlook could be that she really didn’t mean it in the way I took it, but based on my lack of exposure to such things, I find that hard to believe. I really would love to know how you all feel about this?

Again, I’m still just in sheer shock that people say things like that. In all my years of life I’ve never experienced any verbal racial commentary. It has had me deep in thought, and reminds me that no matter the amount of crap in my home country, nowhere no sweeter dan yaaaaaaad!