PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE

4.1.09

I just saw one of the best live shows I've seen in a while, and it was well worth my money.  As a performer it showed me where I need to be and just how much work I need to do to get there.  So many elements that need to be fulfilled - image, vocal precision and ability, crowd interaction, band interaction, a natural humility but an inbuilt confidence.  It was truly inspiring!

So you figure I would be on cloud nine with all this inspiration pouring down on me, but I couldn't help but feel insecure and somewhat inadequate at the same time.  You know seh if yu waan tun performer yu skin haffi thick thick, but I never grew up with thick skin to be honest with you.  My skin became thick with the experiences and the judgement of life, and also with getting older, so sometimes I still have my moments of hypersensitivity, when everything means more than it needs to...or does it actually mean what it is?

To preface my psychological warfare, I have to give you my background.  Growing up I wouldn't say I had a life that was hard, but it was by no means as candy coated as people imagine based on how my life appears now.  To cut a long story really short, I was fortunate to be exposed to many more things than people perceive, including teasing and ridicule.  In my opinion that has put a lot of colours in my personality.  What that translates to in real life is "OMG did Mario just say that?!" or "Is Mario dat?" or "Mario didn't start behaving like that until he started hanging out with X" or "Why would Mario go tek up himself an do dat?!".  A life plagued by judgement based on complexion, perceived social background and upbringing, and of course profession, amongst other things.  What can I say...I guess it is what it is, but I can't help but feel that I am often unfairly judged.  At times it's ok, and I can brush it off, but at other times it's just downright annoying.  If i do a dance, for some it is means for chuckling, as if I would 1. be unaware of such a move, or 2. look so odd doing it that it is amusing.  I am just tired of people projecting their insecurities onto me and then making me feel uncomfortable.  Don't feel you need to baby me because YOU think I'm an uptown yute who cyaan climb or cyaan dance or cyaan be a musician or cyaan talk patois, or neva tek a bus or wouldn't know roots reggae.  These are none of my issues, as I know I've don't all of these things, and maybe more than you would imagine.  What really bugs me is dat I allow YOU people to cause me to second guess myself sometimes, when I am fully aware of my level of exposure.

So now as I talk to myself openly I will say...STAY FOCUSED BECAUSE ONLY I KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF AND CAN ACHIEVE.  I really don't need people making me feel inadequate or insufficient or lesser than anything.  Less Jamaican, less black, less authentic, less connected.  Dear friends i ask you to try your best to embrace people for who they are and not what you want them to be.  Deal with your demons and don't project them unto others.  I've had enough years of the crap being thrown at me.  I'm really tired of doing you and me.  I just really need to do me.  I don't care how you feel about my hair or anything else you feel so strongly that I shouldn't do.  I know exactly why i'm doing what i'm doing and I have no problems with it...maybe you should try to not have a problem too.

In conclusion, I will be better in the morning.  I'm just a little annoyed with the world right now.  Stay focused and don't ever let anyone lead you off of your path!!! Bless.