THE CONTOURS OF LIFE

Life is a funny lickle ting. It always surprised me sometimes that the most stable-appearing of persons are just the ones that commit suicide. Don't worry, this is no suicide note. It is just a reflection on the contours of life. The happy days versus the sad days, and why they happen. Truth is I don't know why they happen, I only presume it is to make us stronger individuals, but what if you're just not strong enough.

I just witnessed this on Making Da Band 4. May seem lame that I watch that show, but it is really entertaining for me, probably because of my involvement in entertainment. The group almost self-destructed because of one member who at the time wasn't strong enough. he was at a point in his journey where he couldn't justify things anymore. He had no grounding. No support. Well he felt he had no support. That was probably the most important point at the end of the day, was that he perceived that there was no one listening, and that no one understood or really even cared.

I'm really in one of those slumps right now. I am probably one of the happiest persons around according to many, but right now I'm in physical pain, emotional pain, and maybe even other types of pain. Definitely nothing I would want to share with an online audience because there are lines we don't cross online. The only difference is that I think I am strong enough. Right now not as strong as I usually am, but I have faith. And when everything else around you breaks down, God never fails. I've never been uber-religious, but I do believe in a higher power, and I allow it to guide me. In Making Da band when they resolved their differences, they prayed, and then I remembered where to seek my refuge. I also remembered that there are millions worse off than me.

Right now, my physical pain seems to be resolving, but my emotions are healing again. I think I'm just tired of an unfamiliar environment. I'm tired of being misunderstood. And it's hard to be misunderstood and not have a voice to defend or explain yourself. I don' t even think I need to explain anything to anyone quite frankly, which makes this journey that much more difficult.

I'm sorry I took so much of your time on this pointless rant. But blogging for me is therapeutic. It gives insight that sometimes you can't even put into words. All I know is that I am really yearning to be with those that provide the right type of stability for me, and I need them ASAP.

Blessed love, and I will try and be strong until next time!

PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE

4.1.09

I just saw one of the best live shows I've seen in a while, and it was well worth my money.  As a performer it showed me where I need to be and just how much work I need to do to get there.  So many elements that need to be fulfilled - image, vocal precision and ability, crowd interaction, band interaction, a natural humility but an inbuilt confidence.  It was truly inspiring!

So you figure I would be on cloud nine with all this inspiration pouring down on me, but I couldn't help but feel insecure and somewhat inadequate at the same time.  You know seh if yu waan tun performer yu skin haffi thick thick, but I never grew up with thick skin to be honest with you.  My skin became thick with the experiences and the judgement of life, and also with getting older, so sometimes I still have my moments of hypersensitivity, when everything means more than it needs to...or does it actually mean what it is?

To preface my psychological warfare, I have to give you my background.  Growing up I wouldn't say I had a life that was hard, but it was by no means as candy coated as people imagine based on how my life appears now.  To cut a long story really short, I was fortunate to be exposed to many more things than people perceive, including teasing and ridicule.  In my opinion that has put a lot of colours in my personality.  What that translates to in real life is "OMG did Mario just say that?!" or "Is Mario dat?" or "Mario didn't start behaving like that until he started hanging out with X" or "Why would Mario go tek up himself an do dat?!".  A life plagued by judgement based on complexion, perceived social background and upbringing, and of course profession, amongst other things.  What can I say...I guess it is what it is, but I can't help but feel that I am often unfairly judged.  At times it's ok, and I can brush it off, but at other times it's just downright annoying.  If i do a dance, for some it is means for chuckling, as if I would 1. be unaware of such a move, or 2. look so odd doing it that it is amusing.  I am just tired of people projecting their insecurities onto me and then making me feel uncomfortable.  Don't feel you need to baby me because YOU think I'm an uptown yute who cyaan climb or cyaan dance or cyaan be a musician or cyaan talk patois, or neva tek a bus or wouldn't know roots reggae.  These are none of my issues, as I know I've don't all of these things, and maybe more than you would imagine.  What really bugs me is dat I allow YOU people to cause me to second guess myself sometimes, when I am fully aware of my level of exposure.

So now as I talk to myself openly I will say...STAY FOCUSED BECAUSE ONLY I KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF AND CAN ACHIEVE.  I really don't need people making me feel inadequate or insufficient or lesser than anything.  Less Jamaican, less black, less authentic, less connected.  Dear friends i ask you to try your best to embrace people for who they are and not what you want them to be.  Deal with your demons and don't project them unto others.  I've had enough years of the crap being thrown at me.  I'm really tired of doing you and me.  I just really need to do me.  I don't care how you feel about my hair or anything else you feel so strongly that I shouldn't do.  I know exactly why i'm doing what i'm doing and I have no problems with it...maybe you should try to not have a problem too.

In conclusion, I will be better in the morning.  I'm just a little annoyed with the world right now.  Stay focused and don't ever let anyone lead you off of your path!!! Bless.

WHY HE GIVES AND TAKES

With 2 more final exams and 2 more days to go before I go home, I have been more than anxious to get out of this place.  A wealth of knowledge to gain in this one night to even fathom passing these 2 exams, that have kept me from the one main thing on my mind...home.

I also had a couple other things on my mine, like why we as humans always feel inclined to know the answers?  I am strangely not one of those kind of persons.  I am extremely intrigued by life and all its dynamics, but I am very comfortable with God making the decisions as to WHY HE GIVES AND TAKES.  Not to say I am not curious, but I really try not to let it consume me, but heah, I've always been an easy going cat, so I don't let many things consume me.

I preface this blog with my exams, because I should be studying right now, but whenever these weird acts of God occur, I have to blog.  

So while walking down the street and actually pondering why God gives and takes, I was stopped by a white couple, an older man maybe in his late 50s and a slightly younger woman.  They said "Excuse me", and I turned wondering if it was me they were talking to.  Well it was me, so I approached them.  He launched immediately into his story about coming to the hospital in Boston from their home in Rhode Island.  They travelled to Boston on disability for his wife to have kidney surgery, and for some reason his wife couldn't be admitted because she was having an infection and needed to take a course of antibiotics.  Fact of the matter was they were broke and couldn't stay at the hospital because she wasn't an inpatient, and they didn't fulfill the poverty requirements to stay in a shelter.  They really just didn't have enough fare to go back to Rhode Island on the commuter rail, and were for some reason unable to travel back there on disability.  Me being the Jamaican I am, I normally can sniff out bullshit scammers a mile out.  

For some reason this seemed legit.  They had their bags and pillows and she looked quite sick and actually was very passive in this process.  They looked clean and just like regular folk who had a long day.  As to why they didn't prepare for this unfortunate event before traveling all the way to Boston, i didn't really feel was my place to ask.  

My initial instinct was to do what i normally do to people who beg me...I tell them I have no money, which is often true, but most times is a white lie (aka I have a little, but I really am not gonna give it to you right now, then I'll be like you tomorrow).  But there was something all just weird about the karma of me thinking about WHY GOD GIVES AND TAKES, and then these people interrupted this very thought by sharing their story.  Ironically I'm a black man with an non-American accent, and they ask me for help, so let's throw race and stereotypes out the door.  This man said he stopped me because i just had a nice aura (keep in mind i am always smiling, but this moment I was very serious and walking at moderate pace just deep in thought;  he coulda been charming me, who knows).  I also have medical knowledge which they knew nothing of, and the medical story was actually legit (tho most scammers usually have very legit stories).

He showed me the fare they needed and he told me they needed about 6 or 9 dollars.  I looked in my wallet to see what woulda been there.  I saw a $1 and a $5, and without thinking too long I decided to give him the $5.  They were both extremely grateful and he introduced himself and then asked me my name.  This occurrance was extremely well aligned with everything going on in my mind and I couldn't say not o these people.  Deep down I hope they are not a couple on drugs and my $5 goes to some cocaine, but for some reason I believed them, and I still do.  I felt sorry for them.  She looked sick and tired, and they had nowhere to stay, and the system had no where to put them.  Unbelievable that in such a developed country there could actually be no place to house them.  

I seek no extra praise for my actions.  It just felt like it was the right thing to do, and I always tell people Karma is a Bitch, and it will come back to you.  Today I got a cheese-covered potato from one of the ladies in the cafeteria.  They were actually all finished, but the one on display looked so scrumptious, i just said kinda matter a fact that "That potato looks nice".  After i go sit to eat I see one of the staff members approaching me, and I think she is going to sit with me and eat.  She brings a cheese covered potato and gives to me.  The lady had one prepared for me.  An trus mi dis is a self-serve cafeteria.  These kinda nice deeds hardly happen to me...and when they do they feel so special.  So maybe I was paying forward my cheese potato just now by giving that $5.

I end in prayerful gratitute, again thanking the Lord for all he has given me.  It has been an interesting journey thus far, and everyday I grow more and more and learn more and more.  My condolences to some of the families I know that have lost loved ones recently.  God gives and takes for reasons beyond our human understanding.  We must grief and they find ways to continue in our mortal world, until that realm shall become clear to us.  Until next time...lawd pay it forward to me dat mi flight nuh cancel because of snow.  By di hook ar di crook mi a get to Jamdown Satiday.  Nobady nah stap mi, all if a walk mi a walk gu dung deh!!

December 15, 2008 

THE TRUTH IS THAT...

I had come to a point in my life where i personally became fed up with the human need to be SAFE.  Many of us dwell on safety, and therefore remain safe for the rest of our lives.  This then led me to wonder why some people tend to safety while others don't.  These blanket thoughts then came to mind, though I knew wouldn't encompass everyone's life story.

The 2 things in life that go against safety are DESPERATION and OPPORTUNITY, and strangely they both have something in common.  

A desperate man has NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN.  He has nothing, so he will lose nothing, and anything positive is an opportunity to be in a better place than he currently is.  These people will hop on any opportunity that is presented to them, with no fear of failure nor with insecurities of what others may think.

The man with opportunity appears to have everything, but has NOTHING TO LOSE because he has a safety blanket and EVERYTHING TO GAIN, because he has so many opportunities to do things that so many dream of doing.  The opportunity to learn more than the average person would.  Travel more.  Meet more people.  Simply explore life comfortably.

How can persons of 2 vastly different worlds have something so powerful in common.  These persons are the ones that I believe step outside of the box, and make use of what is available to them to create more opportunities.  It really is a simple concept, which I am sure has many flaws and counter-arguments, but I think maybe a desperate man with opportunity is one that i should strive to be.  Desperate to grow.  Passionate to learn.  Desperate to step out into the unknown.

For once in your life, be desperate, and create opportunity for yourself.  Take a step into an unpredictable world that you know nothing of, but you dream so much of...you never know what hopefully pleasant opportunity may arise!

EVA GRATEFUL!!

Without disrespecting anyone who gets pleasure from working in a cafeteria or washing cars, or being a bank teller.  I am just so glad I don't do something everyday that appears to be mundane.  Again i'm sure someone gets a buzz out of counting cash really fast or dishing food into a plate, but I can't say I do.  And if for any reason something happens to me, I hope someone had read my blogs to see that I was forever and repeatedly grateful for everything God has given me.

So I already have a degree then get to go get another one, and I excelled in the 1st and am now excelling in the 2nd.  There is only one thing you can do when that happens, and it's give thanks.  Thanks to whoever you want to...Jesus, Jah, The creator.  Whoever he, she or it is...Jus give tanks!!

Something must be going on with me this month, because I've written 4 blogs in one month after not writing any for over 3 months, or maybe even longer.  I must be getting older or just more grateful.  

So whenever you are happy in your job and you have 1 bad day, just remember someone is doing a mundane job everyday and wishes they could jump off a really high building, because it may be more fun than making sandwiches.  Not everyone gets the opportunity to follow a passions, if you get it, chase it like it's running faster than Usain Bolt, and if you want something, it doesn't hurt to make a try at it.  One less regret in life!  Do what you gotta do and be grateful.  Bless!!

iPhone Crazy

So this blog was of course inspired by the iPhone.  Anyone who knows me knows I like cool stuff, and i really do like cutting edge technology.  The problem is where do you draw the line.  It's like  that one thing you want really bad but know you shouldn't get it BUT you know if you get it you'll be so much happier.  Maybe for ladies a pair of shoes...I'm sure when you buy it you say "What the hell did I just do", but when you're wearing it, and someone says "Nice shoes", you feel like it was worth it.

Well here is my iPhone dilemma.  It kinda is almost within my means, but just ALMOST.  The problem is that I just can't stop fantasizing about it.  I want to get it out of my head, but then that glimmering Boylston Street store sucks me in and i go in and play with it.  Advertising is a bitch, because it's really screwing with my mind.  The worse part is that everyone who buys one is like a walking add, and then they make me want it more.  Maybe I should only talk to people who don't own iPhones.  That may be a start.  Then we can find a way to get rid of the Apple store (I was gonna say the B word but I may have American persons who read this and report me to the CIA.  In my home country we can say the B word without men the size of quarterbacks running out of nowhere to sack you to the floor).  The B thing is just a joke i swear.  The point is I need i-Therapy, and unfortunately this will only come in the form of buying an iPhone, or removing it from my mind's eye.

I mean this clearly is now an obsession since it has reached blog phase.  I only blog when something is on my mind.  Damn i just saw someone else playing with one. Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggh.  Am i being drawn into this materialistic world...nah.  I woulda wanted an iPhone wherever the hell I was.  So i guess it's time to look into doing some extra hours at work to find a way to pay that extra money on ma phone bill.  We'll see.  I'll keep you posted on the iPhone situation.  This is way too funny.  I shoulda created that "Contribute $2 to Mario's iPhone Group" before my birthday.  Now I may have to wait till Xmas.  But dats just so damn ghetto, but clearly i'm desperate right.  Peace.

Saturday Night

A born socialite some people would say I am, but sometimes I see myself as a 'social loner'.  What a contradiction to believe that people really are necessary for your existence, but at the same time really enjoy being by yourself.

I grow extremely introspective after nights out in this weird little college city.  Just really  makes me miss home more than anything.  To get along with people and to feel like you truly belong somewhere are 2 vastly different things.  Looking on the world up to 10 years ahead of a lot of the people in the same room as you also puts a crap load of perspective on things.  You realise you have no answer to questions like "Why aren't you dancing?", or "I'm surprised a Christian guy like you would be seen at a shindig like this".  If only these kids knew I've danced against that wall already, and gotten tipsy and danced till i felt stupid, and danced with all the girls in the room.  

I guess for some that routine never gets tired.  And for some it's their first time, they're new to this.  For me i've been there and done it longer than I think i needed.  Now i only need it occasionally.  Plus when it's done here it's not like home and not ever really close to as good as at home.  I always had trouble putting my heart into things I didn't believe in.  If i can't feel it genuinely then i can't really put any genuine emotion into it.

Maybe this blog contradicts that I'm a loner as I choose to publicly ramble early in the morning about myself.  At the core of this I just miss what is familiar to me, and when that is missing from your daily routine for a while, you find that you are never really sure about what is real anymore.  I know home is real and those people in that life are real.  In this life here I'm not really sure what's real.  

All just kinda weird to me.  Is it just me feeling this way?  Then everything starts to annoy me...especially the carelessly drunk people.  The people making out on the dancefloor annoy me.  The people who always think i'm nice 100% of the time...you annoy me too.  

I again yearn for hot weather, familiar accents and food, and people I know I can trust and depend on all the time.  I already know there is no life on this land for me, because my love for another is way too strong for me to exist here.  And yet still people don't know where I'm from, but the truth is I don't really care anymore if they know.  What's more important is that I'm fully aware of who I am and that's all that matters.

This is my blog so I don't even care to apologize for my unfocused writing, but I may regret opening such a large window into my personality, or maybe I won't.  Yo just have a good night.  Like clockwork I should be fine by morning.

NOT FROM HERE

How do you explain "Out of Many One People"

The unusual tug-of-war between pleasance and aggression

Uptown versus downtown

Browning versus Blacknin'

Patios versus Standard English

How can I explain why...

I miss this damn place so much

Yet it seems so imperfect

Has anyone been so in love with an imperfection

Maybe obsessed, but not in love

This imperfection is one of my favourites

Perfecting it may make it better

But sometimes I like it just for what it is

Somewhat raw and at times unsophisticated,

Yet warm and genuine

That is exactly what gives it's character

It always reminds me that I have never wanted to be from here

Well I lie. I did when I was in my imperfect world as a child and thought

Wow, this place of Mattel toys and fast food must be the best place ever,

But now that I am living here in 4-monthly spurts

All i can say is that it's full of as much shit as anywhere else

And my jerk chicken, ackee and saltfish, dance a road every weeknight and terrible customers service really has more to desire than I had thought

I now relish my culture.

I obsess over it

I'm proud of it

Almost willing to die for it

Mi love it cyaan dun

Why would anyone want anything else

I'm really happy I'm not from here!

TOO...

2:23am

Too young to look old

But too old to care

About that drunk girl who just passed me on the street

Blouse strap dangling mid-arm

Too weak to pull it up

Too disoriented to care about being a target

Smart enough to notice

But too ambivalent to care

About that asshole that just called me an asshole

If only he knew anything about me

Or where I'm from

Or about how rude he just was

"Such a nice person"

But yet so insensitive and selfish

To realize that I just hurt the feelings

Of someone who cares about me 

More than I could ever imagine

Still present

But yet so distant

That I don't even care about

Where I am, who I'm with, 

Or how I'm going to get to where I'm going next

To be detached sometimes can feel so sweet

But so lonely

It's only cool to be alone when you've forgotten what it is like

Then you yearn for companionship once you're lonely again

Too distracted right now to shout

At that loud girl in the alley

If only she realized it was almost 3am

But maybe her blouse strap is mid-arm

And maybe she is too selfish to realize she's hurting my feelings

Too artistic to alter this expression

To fit the needs of others

Too young to look old

But too old to care  about what people think

About me or my behaviour

Always aware of great friends

And great things when they come by

And family, the rock of support

Well in my life

Love, laughter, life, defeat, rejection

Always a Jamaican

Black, Green and Gold

To di werl we go

Without boundaries

But with an appreciation of life

Tarnished with hardships

Tailored made for each and every one of us

Too hungry to care about my diet

Too happy to have a bed to sleep on 

And food to eat

And so happy I got to write this

Now i'm too young to look old

But too old to care about NOT being out on a Saturday night

Now it's time for bed

After running that crazy maze through my head

JUST BECAUSE

October 1

I figured it has been since around forever, and the purpose of this thing is self-expression right?  Or at the least keeping people informed about life over here.  I think Facebook took over the world and people stopped talking on the phone and going out, and writing blogs.

Well here I am once again.  I missed you guys and gals, whoever the hell you are that reads this crap.  I'm home on a Thursday morning with a sore throat.  I should be doing work or sleeping, but I'm doing neither.  It is funny how your concept of productivity can be shattered so easily by idle distractions...God bless 'the focused' cuz they are few and far between. 

As I randomly babble, I just want you to know that I'm alive and well, and look out for some more serious blogging again soon.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I figure I may at least leave a legacy in blogs.  Someone may find em and use them one day if I ever become important...and hopefully not against me.  It's all good though, there is nothing here I wouldn't tell you to your face, or tell Oprah for that matter!  LOL.

It's late and I'm tired.  Have a great night.  Pray i get better soon, and God is an awesome God.  The things he does is unspeakable, and that is all I have to say to that.  Thank you Lord for everything!  Nite!

RACISM MAYBE?

It’s 2008 and you would think many things would have changed by now. Being raised in Jamaica exposed me to many things that I know many other people in the world for sure don’t experience on a day to day basis, but racism was never one of ‘em, especially in a country that is ~90% black, and for sure is more ‘class-ist’ than anything else.

This is where I segue into my ‘experience’ as I will refer to it form here on in. So I’m in a grocery/deli store in Seattle on 03.10.08 with two friends. So there is a lady at the bookstand reading, holding the leash of her jet-black Labrador in her hand. One of my friends starts to pet the dog and engages her in conversation. My other friend also starts to play with the dog. Strangely enough I wasn’t interested in playing with the dog, even though I love dogs. I smile at the lady, and that’s about all the interaction we really have. Keep in mind, my friends and the lady was not of my skin tone, to be politically correct.

This is where it gets good…So the said Labrador has a collar with a blinker on it. My friend then says “I see you had to put a blinker on him”. The owner of the dog then responds “Yeah cuz at night sometimes people may not see him especially going around corners”. So far you notice I am telling the story very storybook, because in a lickle I might waan bruk weh and get on baaaaaaad! But as the story continues, I then chip in and say “Cuz he’s black” (hence the need for the blinker). She then responds, “You would know what that’s like”, with a smile on her face. Me not being used to blatant racism or inappropriate racial statements, had a little chuckle and then immediately turned around and looked on my friend with a weird look. My initial instincts were to walk away, and walk away quickly, which is just what I did. I walked quickly out of the awkward silence, and ignored my other natural cultural instincts to chop her a rahtid box. And the only reason I’m comfortable speaking like this now is because of how upsetting this experience was to me, and because I’m GROWN now, so if you can’t handle the fire, step out of the kitchen.

Realistically speaking though, do people still say inappropriate things like that? I was appalled. “You should know what that’s like”. I should know what dat is like!! I wish I was an angry black person just for a split second, so that my reaction time could have been so fast that I could have said something equally inappropriate and made her feel awkward, BUT you know what, my wonderful parents taught me better. So I walked away like in those say no to drugs campaigns. I mean could you see the flip side of this story. The newspaper would read:

“Angry black Jamaican man assaults woman in grocery store, who simply made an analogy between her dog and his complexion. The man is a college student and will immediately go to court. He is currently in jail on no bail, and is likely to be up for deportation.”

When you look at the situation like that you realize it really isn’t worth stooping down to a low level. Another outlook could be that she really didn’t mean it in the way I took it, but based on my lack of exposure to such things, I find that hard to believe. I really would love to know how you all feel about this?

Again, I’m still just in sheer shock that people say things like that. In all my years of life I’ve never experienced any verbal racial commentary. It has had me deep in thought, and reminds me that no matter the amount of crap in my home country, nowhere no sweeter dan yaaaaaaad!

23.08.07
CARIBBEAN SINTING!!

Well it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, which seems to be the entry to all my blogs now. Maybe we can just establish that they may be written 3-monthly or so. This blog is well warranted though. It is the ‘Memoirs of my Caribbean Vacation’, and trust me there were no Geishas here.

Barbados
So we arrive in Barbados quite excited about the days to come and how interesting and fun they could be. We arrive at our resort in Rockley, which reminded me of ‘The Point Village’ for all those who have been there…u know dat kinda kitchenette vibe, pull out bed. It actually was quite nice. Got to link up wid ma good friend Janella who carried me out to “Threesome Wednesdays”. Quite glad I went now in retrospect cause it was the only partying I did on the trip. Bajans turn like we now, and party on a Wednesday night (reh to the Wednesday Quadites)…Granted most people looked like the age where they didn’t have work the next morning and it was summer.

So interesting things were that the women were nice but not as nice as Jamaican girls. The next interesting thing is what my fren refers to as WUK UP. The Bajans have dat down pat. For the girls fine, but for the men, I could only describe it as a type of gyration that if Jamaican men were to do it, you know dat a boom-bye-bye woulda come to dem. And strangely it didn’t make a lot of dem look ‘off’. It was quite an interesting phenomenon to me. I actually sampled a Bajan wine myself from a quite talented lady, and I must say it was good, and quite different from mi Jamaican wine…but definitely comparable (maybe at points better…point where I dodge bottles)

My dad’s friends took good care of us and made dinner for us and carried for lunch and stuff. They really added that nice personal element to our trip…thanks a mil!

Apart from that, Tropical Storm Dean dat punk, became a Cat 2 hurricane and passed north of us in Barbados, so dat meant wind and rain and no more partying for my other nights, which sucked. In the end Dean did treat BIM good, and suddenly it’s time to go to Grenada.


Grenada
So we went the Grenada Grande Resort. Quite a Grande you know what. In all honesty the staff was nice, but Grenada is just a real quiet country. Shops closing at 1pm on a Saturday…like what the hell?! Yu ever see anything like dat yet. Worse pon a Sunday the place jus lock down! We drove around the entire island on Sunday and not even a pan chicken man yu could fine on the roadside. Like c’mon, does anyone buy food on the road here? All we could find was roast corn…and we meant roasted without the husk, so u can just imagine how dat look when some of the kernels bun up. Anyways, we went to Concorde falls, which was real cold and nice.

The drive was a welcome distraction as our country was being pummeled by Cat 4 Hurricane Dean. Luckily for us, or I should say God-blessed, the eye passed jus south of us, but our country still sustained significant damage and at least 4 deaths.

Linked wid some a ma dad’s friends and they picked us up and treated us nice as usual…looks like pops gots friends in different area codes, jus like I got…(pause for comic relief to all Ludacris fans). So Grenada’s most eventful thing was the all island drive and the falls and of course the friends. Oh how could I not mention that beautiful white sand Grand Anse beach…dat really mek it, an nobody doan harass yu or nuttin. Do u believe I had to pay for internet too. Like it’s 2007, c’mon, include Wi-Fi. And this blog would not be complete without talking about the restaurant at the hotel. So we like waited 10 mins for the food, and then they put us at this table beside another table that had like 3 generations of fly families on it, with cousins, aunts, uncles and all. The service sucked and guess what they only had eggs and bacon…hmmm, why be in the Caribbean then…and this hotel is about to become a Crowne Plaza. So it’s off to St. Vincent.

St. Vincent
Vincy, Vincy oh Vincy! We come to Vincy and stay at the Mariners Hotel, which was like a really nice, quaint place. I would recommend it to anyone looking for an inexpensive place to stay in St. Vincent. The part of Vincy you guys will love is the mini-bus ride. Vincy mini bus come in like fi wi own, but just as bad, or even worse. My friends from Vincy may disagree, but mi a tell yu seh it bad. And for all a you who tink mi neva tek no bus, mi did tek enough bus inna mi high school days fi know a good one from a bad one. What mek it worse is dat on our return trip to our hotel, one lickle dutty yardie Vincy gal waan tek mi on bout how mi…lickle me…a cause trouble pon di bus. Now my Jamaican friends, you all know me and my demeanor, now you believe seh I was causing trouble on any bus. The long and short was dat at the bus stop my dear friend needed to get out of the bus. We were on the back seat and I was obscuring her. This meant I needed to move, BUT the girl infront of me was on what I thought was the flip up seat. Little did I realize the said flip up seat was fixed to the side of the bus. In my ignorance I say “So the girl coulda get up”. And she (yaadie Vincy) then decides to cuss about me giving trouble in the bus. I then say, “So why yu complaining?”. She then starts to raise her voice at me. I then go “Shhhhhhh”. And her response, “Who yu a Shhhhhhh…yu doan know me!”. Is a sad ting I look so young and my parents were there, cah she doan know me,. I did waan tell her bout the colours of the rainbow, cah me did well RED, but I held my tongue and fortunately we were at our stop. No disrepec to a Vincy, but I’m a Jamaican and no gal inna Vincy bus going dis mi. Well she did and get weh, but is only due to the circumstances. I really had to cool down after that tho, and is a long time I never feel so violent and aggressive. And if yu ever see ar too. But God knows what’s good and he protects me everyday. Dat was a ‘Walk Away Moment’. Thank you Jesus!

So the next day was the Grenadines tour. This was awesome. We flew to Union Island and took a Catamaran to like 3 islands. All inclusive food and drinks, snorkeling…it did mek it! This was definitely one of the most eventful moments of the trip from a tourist activity point of view. The French restaurant on our compound was awesome as well. The food was great and we complimentary drinks for flattering the owner on their excellent service etc. And strangely it’s the next day and we’re off to St. Lucia.

St. Lucia
Land of the Pitons, St. Lucia Jazz Festival, a semi-active volcano, and the Dornelly’s Inn. Most of you probably haven’t heard about the last one. Well if ya didn’t know well you about to find out. LOL. The Dornelly’s Inn is where we would stay for 2 nights. Kinda far from the airport, but like 15-20 mins far, and up a little road that look like roun’ where my parents come from (aka BUSH). So we stumble upon a 3 story building with 2 tractors on property. The lovely reception area has areas with no ceiling, and the hotel pc uses dialup internet. I nah fight gainst or nuttin. Just that when you know what you going to get for yu money daz one ting, but when the money yu paying deserve more, den yu haffi criticize. I sound like such a snob in this part of the blog, but you had to see this place. We stayed in far superior hotels that cost like US$5 more, so u have to understand. Well more minibus to the city which like all Caribbean cities have a market and nuff activity.

Rented a car and drove around the beautiful island of St. Lucia. Now if anywhere comes close to or beats JA in parts where beauty is concerned, then it’s here.

Antigua
This blog had been on hold until today, October 23, cuz I jus hadn’t finished it. I had to stop cuz Antigua was just absolutely nice, and we only stayed there overnight so that we could get a flight the next day to our wonderful hurricane beaten JA. We stayed with one of my dad’s friends’ house. And what a house it was. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a house that is so pristine and so well laid out in terms of design and decoration. This house was absolutely amazing and was far better than any hotel. We had an excellent host who took us out to dinner and what can I say…Goes to show that some bonds and relationships are really life-long, and that in years to come you may go to the country of that person you were in university with, and they’ll actually put you up, kinda like how you joked about it greater than 20 years before. Life really is amazing!! The restaurant we went to was an old fort and the view was absolutely beautiful. Then the next day it was off to yaad.

BACK TO YAAD
And what can I say about yaad. Yow yaad yu look kinda pop-dungish, but it’s DAMN GOOD TO BE HOME.

AWAKE IN A NIGHTMARE

Hey all, it's been such a long while hasn't it. Seem like the novelty of the good ole blog vent wore off on me. But that's not really the truth. Just working hard on developing my self-expression musically as well.

For the first time in my life i've felt like i woke up in a nightmare, but was really really awake. The call that my brother was in an accident was like no other. I felt like when twins say they feel the pain of their sibling when they are hurt. I wasn't even at home when i heard, and i had no details. Palpitations, mind-wondering, instincts tell you to go home...but where is home. It's a dorm right now...But that's not really home? Autopilot takes me to my pseudo-destination. What to do? What can i do? Worry. Pray. Doesn't make sense to cry cuz i don't know what's happening.

I tell yu people, this moment is likely to happen to all of us at some point in our life. Some have been unfortunate to have it happen many times. Others like myself have only had a few, and we thank God that they all have good endings, like this one will.

We mourn the lives lost in this tragic accident and pray that their families are ok. I would love to know who they are personally so i could send them my well wishes or even attend the memorial services. I thank God that my brother is alive and improving. This will be a new start for him, and i am so ready to help him on his way to recovery.

The frailty of life is only a millisecond away from us all, but we are not always aware of that millisecond, until it's on a clock that we can see. Live your lives to the fullest, and in a holy and righteous way. We have no other purpose but to help others and serve our Father. Thank you for all the support. I know the love that is had for my family, and likewise the love i have for you all. Thanks. Peace. See you soon.

LONG TIME

Bwoy i've been not nice to my bloggers, and now i decide to write after having a bit of Appleton. Is that what it takes for an update. LOL. Bwoy yu wonder why people drink sometimes, but after a hard week, i really cyaan seh dat this wasn't well deserved. You all already know i'm not an alcholic, so no need to worry. I know if other persons had this bottle of V/X since January, it could have been finished in 1 go. I won't call any names Dad, ROCKY, KIBBO, ahm that was not called for. But unnu know weh m i a seh.

All i can seh us lawd a miss yaaad! Mi neva know seh mi coulda love on place so! Jamdown fi life mi tell yu. When i had my drink i was listening to Sean Paul and i actually was dancing in my room at home for a while. It was real nice. Well since i'm not in my real room, i do have classes tomorrow, cuz it's Friday. I also have a gig wid the reggae band from school, and would you believe your one and only Mario is singing "Or Wah" by Capleton. How funny is dat? You know i wouldn't even dare try something as crazy as dat in JA, BUT TRUE SEH MI DEH INNA FOREIGN mi can get weh wid dem madness...cover Capleton...yu mad!!! Who woulda dare tek dat on.

Classes goin real well. Got real good midterm grades, and plan to do no less in the finals. So it's on. Your boy has decided to major in Songwriting and Music Business/Management come next semester. And i will get to learn some piano again doing the songwriting major. So i'm excited about that. Threw the performance major out the door. Real performers learn from experience and observing other good performers. Likewise some have natural songwriting ability, but there are tools that school can give me in that regard which you can use to imporve concepts. So i have picked what i think are 2 very practical majors, and i can handle the work load of both.

Just wanted to let ya'll know again that i miss you like crazy, and i'm jealous that you're there in the sun and i'm here in the cold. It actually is cold again. And it's Spring. Dis ya place mad like. All i nall your boy is good. Real good. Singing till mi voice almost gone, and definitely believing in myself more as a musician.

Everyone can feel free to link me at maregut@hotmail.com. I can give you other contact details from there on. Love unnu. Peace.

JUDGEMENT

It's been a while bloggers. In summary i'm real good, and i miss home like maaaad, but lovin' this school. So that works right. So lemme launch into what's on my mind today.

I've never thought of my self as real judgmental, but it really dawned on me that as humans we all are by nature. It's how we form our opinions and make decisions. Some are just more judgmental than others, as well as some are just more vocal about it than others. So you'll have those terribly quiet people who you think are not judgmental who really are, and vice versa and all the other things inbetween. An trus mi, some of us may be more judgmental than we think. Did you know that it can be spelled with or without the 'e'.

Well anyway, all of this is stemming from a few silent judgments i've made recently which silently bit me on my ass. Good thing they were silent, so that i could learn from them well SILENTLY...but very productively. Well 1st instance is this very nice girl who happens to be white, who made some statements that seemed kinda weird as well as weird behaviour to support it. Funny how when you get into the USA race becomes so much more of a dinner conversation. Long and short is i made a judgment about her in my mind and was later proven wrong. I even feel uncomfortable writing the whole story. When ya'll see me in person i'll tell you what happened.

And here you just meet so many people who's insides are so different from their exterior, which really is something i've always knows, and i guess is just life. Now more than ever it is glaring brightly at me. Makes me really appreciate how Jamaican people jus tell it like it damn is. Makes me love my bad customer service a lil more. No candy coating, jus the real deal as it come. And there are just those few days when i can do without the candy coating. Granted in Jamaica we may jus have too little bit a canfy, but you see where i'm going.

MORAL OF THE BLOG: Don't judge anyone. We are mere mortals. God or whichever higher power you believe in will be the judge on judgment day. Keep being good people and focus on dat! Love unnu.

Mi belly a lil smaller than before i think, but it a gimme hell fi lose. Working on it.

MARIO

TIRED

Just wanted ya'll to know that i'm getting good grades so far, and today i'm really tired, and i have more to tell you, but i'm waiting till the weekend. You'll like it. No i haven't gotten a record deal. LOL. And hope ya'll saw American Idol Wednesday night...there's a girl named Lakisha...she cam eto do damage. Jennifer Hudson, watch out now!

GOD'S ANGELS

I believe in God and the religion Christianity, but sometimes we only have occasional encounters of Angels helping us in the flesh.

Something just happened to me, which in all my 27 years has never ever happened with the ease that it did. It showed me that it could only have been God directly acting at that moment. I had to run to the PC and document it by blogging, and of course sharing the experience with my friends and the world

What happened was that i went to pick up my component set at Radio Shack. Of course I'm a student in Boston...i don't drive. No one on my floor was really around for me to ask for help, and heah, i carried back the initial one i bought by myself on my hip (in it's box of course)...so this couldn't be that hard, right?

Well when the box was being carried out by the rep, already it was about twice the size of the initial box. I estimated about 30 mash pounds. He somehow got it into a large plastic bag, but the handles were already stretching from the weight of the thing. Well i got the box out the door of the store for starters....Bwoy the journey looked tretcherous, plus ice on the ground. Di mount a time mi almost bruk up mi bam bam with nothing in mi hand, much less mi 30 mash pond appendage.

My journey was only a few steps when i already had to take a break, so i knew this was going to be rough. Walk, muscle pain, rest...and di muscle pain did even worse cah mi go gym dis morning. Whoa wha mi ago do! I make it across the road and rest the box on the steps of an apartment. Then comes a bright-eyed female, who was actually about to enter that apartment, and saw me struggling. She first asks if i'm going inside, and i say no. She then immediately asks if i need help to carry the box to where i'm going.

Now she doesn't know me number 1. Number 2, i'm not the racial chip on the shoulder type, but she's a white female and me a black male. Number 3, She nuh know how far she a go. Well i accept the offer, but in the initially refusing kinda way. She tells me her name is Brittany. She speaks of her love for God and Jesus, and that she's a Christian. She has even been to Jamaica to do missionary work, and had been there for vacation as well. This must have been an angel! There is no possible way that me a stranger in Boston could have met another person who helped me to carry a 30 mash pound box when i was really in need of the help.

She carried it with me right to the front door of the dorm and i thanks her endlessly. God if you were showing me a sign, i saw it. I was almost blinded by it. I think this moment will stay with me for a while.

In a world perceived as being so selfish. One person was absolutely selfless, and seem so fearless and genuine about it. I am blown away. The box remains at the door unopened because it was definitely more important for me to acknowledge her than to see how the system works. And on that not i hope it works, cuz i won't have Brittany to carry it back if it's faulty. LOL.

But on the real though, I say a prayer of thanks to my Lord. I am grateful for all you have provided and continue to provide. I hope others have these same moments that allow them to see your grace. I am awed! Thank you. Amen.

JUST INCASE

Just incase you forgot what I look like...

My hair is growing higher as is my knowledge,

My smile wider, with gratitude for what the creator has given me,

My memory longer, not to forget the many who have inspired me,

My soul deeper, to contain the overflow of my spirit,

My patience thicker, to withstand the wear and tear of life,

My complexion lighter, with the absence of the sun, but my heart filled with the pride of my country...JAMAICA, my land, my love.

My voice clearer to be more easily heard, but not loud enough to be overbearing,

My faith renewed to continue to believe in all, that so long I haven't seen,

AND

My legs stronger, to carry the weight of these many growing dimensions which develop me...

Just incase you forgot what I look like.



Inspired by life. Written 10:27pm by Mario Guthrie on 15/02/07

UPDATE

Hey bloggers, jus giving ya'll an update. Just went to the Reggae Ensemble...they play everything there from reggae dub to dancehall. The ensemble is worth 1 credit, but my credits are full to the brim, but i'm still gonna do it, cause there is no better reminder of home than to hear some reggae, and not jus Bob Marley (No disrespect to Uncle Bob...Oh and Happy Birthday Bob, Jamaica loves you!). I have to make a CD tonight with music i'd like to contribute. I played "Weddy Weddy Time" by Voicemail in the class, as well as Ritchie Spice "Youths are So Cold", and he liked them both. So i plan to put some Junior Gong and Tanya Stephens on the CD as well...i could put anything, there is so much. Have to give it in by tomorrow tho, so that limits me...feel free to email anything to me or suggest anything (maregut@gmail.com). The music library kinda scant inna di winta!

So that was a good experience. The lecturer is from St. Kitts, hence the Caribbean influence. He also has a Caribbean ensemble that does soca, so Caribbean music is well represented here...and the musicians actually do a good job at playing it. Nothing beats Jamaican musicians playing Jamaican music, but these guys are damn good!

Now time for my funny moment. I enter the library, and this guy from South Korea is reading. He doesn't even say good afternoon or anything. He just calls me over and asks me what a word in his novel means...almost simultaneously he asks, "Where are you from?", in a dry type of tone. I say "Jamaica", then he says, "It's ok, its's alright", almost sending me back to my seat. LOL. Mi glad mi a get ole, cah if mi did inna mi ignorant days mi woulda get hignorant! Oh the word was "TURD". So for all you English majors you go look dat up. The sad part is i was so familiar with the word, but no definition was coming to my head, so i couldn't at that time even be witty and disprove whatever was going on in his head. This is where misinterpretations is a bad thing. Homeboy probably was just frustrated and decided not to bother asking me again and figured he'd find out on his own, cuz it all happened pretty quickly OR we will hope that it is not because I'm Jamaican and we don't speak "perfect English", as i'm told i speak, which seems to be quite a novelty. At least we know what the world thinks about our English (Well some parts of the world). Of course mi jump pon mi Mac dictionary and look up turd...it would have been the perfect word to be witty with. Oh what a shame. Foe those of you like myself who did not have an immediate memory, it can be defined as A LUMP OF EXCREMENT; Often used in Golf, and also refers to someone who is obnoxiuos.

Well i'm learning to ignore TURDISH behaviour, cause only ignorant TURDS conduct themselves that way. Now i shall elevate myslef and not offend anyone. But how offensive. Now that i have blog vented again, i must say i am in such a good mental state that not even a TURD could sidetrack me, so God bless that.

Oh this blog is getting long, but if i don't talk about this i won't forgive myself. Went to this meeting yesterday..."Songwriting Club"...it was off da chain. All i have to say is dat this school have some crazy talent. CRAZY!! I had only got 2 myspace pages at the time, so i'm gonna gi dem a buss. This guys is like already signed in my books...from Scotland, and a voice like no other. He had the ladies weak, and had me speechless. he is Jonathan Carr (www.myspace.com/johnathancarr88). He's only 18, but he is AWESOME. This other guy goes by the name Deffy and you can check him out at www.myspace.com/deffymusic , and there were so many more awesome musicians. I'll continue to send you myspace links.

A good lesson i'm learning is that as a vocalist you should focus on learning songs and song words. You never know what someone might want you to sing. A good start is to make sure the songs that you like you know them inside out. One day it will pay off i assure you.

JAMAICA JAMAICA...MI LUV UNNU. PEACE!!

NOT ENOUGH

Not black enough
Not white enough
Not tall enough
Not short enough

Not patois enough
Not English enough
Not Westmoreland enough
Not Jamaican enough

Not sharp enough
Not flat enough
Not R&B enough
Not reggae enough

Not fat enough
Not slim enough
Not him enough
Not her enough

Not woman enough
Not man enough
Not gay enough
Not straight enough

Not nice enough
Not mean enough
Not here enough
Not there enough

Not smart enough
But definitely dumb enough
To think that you're not enough
Be enough
Be more than enough

Talk enough
Smile enough
Exercise enough
Do enough
Do more than enough

Eat enough
Dance enough
Don't be nuff
Love nuff nuff

Never let anyone make you feel like you're not enough. This is Mario's public service announcement for the day. Inspired by the statement "But you don't seem Jamaican", and "You don't sound Jamaican", and all the others throughout the years of my life. Always therapeutic to blog vent. Peace. And i'm ALL good. I know i'm enough!